Beginnings of an Ending
When someone asks me how Butter Bakery Cafe began, I usually start my story with a retelling of an end-of-year event at Crosswinds Middle School in the summer of 2004. If you haven't heard it yet, now is your opportunity.
Our teaching team was holding an "end of year" reflection time with the hundred or so middle grade students that made up our "house" - SOL House - all of us sitting in a large circle in the gym - to share both our joys and sorrows as we prepared to end our year together. For some of these students this had meant a three-year journey with us from 6th through 8th grade.
When Natalie, an eighth-grader from my advisory group, stood up to speak, she, like the others, spoke of friends and learning, trips and adventures, but then turned directly to me and announced to the group that she felt sad that I wasn't as happy and full of joy as when we had first started working together when she began sixth grade. She had seen through my well-crafted facade and saw my need to move on. And in that moment, she gave me permission to recognize and acknowledge that truth myself. It was brave, courageous, and a mark of the deep trust in the relationship we had built during those years. Although it was hard to hear, I thanked Natalie for her insight and honesty.
Over the course of the next school year, my colleagues gave me space to work out my next adventure. As a writing teacher, I was allowed to develop an elective class on "business plan writing. " I taught students how to form a well-crafted plan and for many provided a way to actually start it up. The students in this class followed my own journey of writing a business plan for what was taking shape as a community-centered coffee shop. It started as the Brave New Bean / Cup of Grace and through the year, my own research and reflection, along with those of my students, grew into what would be at the heart of my efforts when I purchased Butter on December 31, 2005.
Nearly 20 years later, I'm facing that truth again. It's time for me to move on to new adventures. And so, I'm now in the process of seeking a next shepherd for this business to help it continue to serve the community it has come to love as much as it has been loved.
Over the course of my working life, most of my job changes have been out of my hands.
I did, like most kids I knew, drop my high school jobs to attend college. I also dropped my summer jobs during college to go back to school. Otherwise, the endings came when I had preferred to stay on.
My first five years of public-school teaching ('84-'89) were marked by very tight budgets and single year contracts that needed to be renewed each summer. I accepted my pink slip each spring and waited out the process - often sitting in the human resources hallway - to find out if and where I might have a position in the fall. I loved my positions, settling into life as a seventh grade Language Arts teacher and taking on as many opportunities as I could - drama club, soccer coach, school leadership, summer school writing classes. But after 5 years of instability, I chose an interlude at the Minnesota Children's Museum to just have a job that didn't include a set ending date. It's no surprise that my choice was made shortly after the birth of my first child and a desire for some stability. I loved the museum setting, being surrounded by families, the creativity of the staff, and participating in an amazing design process for a brand-new museum in downtown St. Paul. However, as the museum began its move to downtown St. Paul, that position was being shifted into something quite different. The change was enough to propel me back into teaching at an alternative school program.
Although successful, the alternative program was deemed too expensive for a small suburban school district to maintain and was closed after four years. I had the privilege of receiving tenure in the district, but I just wasn't ready to return to a "normal" classroom. So, I joined a newly-forming charter school (even more alternative I guess), and had what I often describe as the best four years of my life leading middle school students on outdoor adventures and completing projects of amazing scope and purpose. I, myself, received amazing training and learning opportunities in the outward bound-expeditionary learning process. The program, however, never quite found its right-size, and being unable to pay its bills was dropped by its organizers after four years. So, when I landed at Crosswinds Middle School, with a similar environmental and arts focus, and settled into a position, and then became tenured in a creative arts and science program that wasn't going to fade away, it was the first time I had to choose to leave a beloved space.
Endings scare me. I carry regrets for things left undone, for mistakes made, for what I might miss that still lies ahead. I am loyal to an extreme, putting me in a spot where I don't let go when I should. I hate to quit.
Now, as a small business owner, I certainly don't feel like I have yet solved the challenge I set out for myself of creating a "sustainable business model." The financial challenges still puzzle me and the working model hasn't met the ideal I hold in my mind. While our efforts and advocacy have "moved the needle" on many things and there is much to celebrate, I still feel like this business model is an outlier in the industry and hasn't shifted the paradigm about what makes a successful restaurant for customers, staff, and family farmers. There's much more work that could be done.
I try to remind myself that each of the endings brought something new that I have cherished that would not have been possible had I not made the move. Over time, this helped me create a bit of a bookshelf of experiences, all of which were instrumental in helping me manage and maintain a space like Butter Bakery Cafe. The twists and turns of life have built up my resilience to the daily ups and downs of keeping the door open at the shop.
Moving into my mid-60's, I feel like there is still something next for me, and much like the moment in that circle in the gym, I really don't know what that next thing might be, just that it can be. I have been collecting ideas, and I'm certain, many of you will have an idea for me as well.
As a Social Benefit Corporation, Butter Bakery has an ongoing mission to sustain. It has a history and community that has shaped its life and can continue to shape its future. It will take someone (or perhaps more than one) who understands this and heartily shares this mission. Having watched other beloved spaces change owners and lose their direction (and their beloved community), I hope this mission will continue on - even if without me.
Will it be different for all of us?
Yes.
Will it be ok?
Yes.
Just as Natalie stood up and spoke out to support me those many years ago, I will need you to stand up for me, to speak out, and support me through this big change. Know that it matters.
The walk along this green path is not over, and never will be. Because I have had the opportunity to walk it with you, I have been able to learn so much, and for that I am truly grateful. That the journey may go on, needs to go on, I now am leaving to you.