Making Connections with Mothering
On a table along the cafe's front fence, my mother's name - Joan Klatt Regal - greets me as I make the rounds of delivering food, wiping up after customers, or just being my place to settle for some sit-down time. It's one of many engraved names on tables, a marker from the move of 10 years ago, and the support of so many friends and family who donated a bit extra to start Butter out on good footing.
Because she had died a couple years earlier, the donation was the work of my step-father Chuck Regal to offer this table as also one of marking our memory of her place in bringing Butter into being.
Of course, she was one who brought me into being, so without her labors of carrying me and birthing me - none of this would have been. But she also played a huge role in teaching me to be comfortable in a kitchen, to see myself as a baker, to understand my role as a servant, and to grow into the nurturing father she knew I could be. My mother's recipes for cinnamon bread and lemon bars are the tastes of our bakery. She coached and encouraged me as we navigated dealing with inheritance funds and assets left from my father's death many years earlier, eventually securing a sum that would help seed the purchase of Butter Bakery Cafe.
My mother's trajectory in life included a long interruption to her college studies, after she became pregnant with me in her freshman year. I often worried that my birth changed her future or dashed her hopes, but she always answered that becoming a mother was the best thing that happened to her and that I was loved completely. Motherhood became her calling with three children following me and care for other children also became a part of her life. She did return to college when in her 50's, eventually completing a master's degree, and worked her way into directing a ministry program serving refugees from southeast Asia. Her life was full of family, volunteering, service, leadership opportunities, and deep interest in textiles, needlework and music. I feel so fortunate she was able to celebrate the opening of Butter Bakery with me and watch it grow before her death from cancer in 2010.
Recently, I began to wonder about the challenges she faced as a nineteen-year-old, living away from home in Chicago, in becoming a mother. I remember coming across the classic Dr. Spock baby book, and laughed when she told me that was given to her as her reference book. Her mother wasn't nearby and her new mother-in-law-to-be who was living in Chicago, was not the maternal type. I'm not surprised that my mother and father moved back to live in the same town (and actually buying a house next door) as my mother's mother and near the women in the neighborhood who she grew up with.
Human mothers don't come encoded with nest-building memories like birds. Human mothers can and do learn from other mothering activity. When that mothering is positive, there are nurturing behaviors that become part of a next generation's nurturing. And sadly, when there are traumatic events and negative behaviors one learns from their parents, the challenges for these new mothers and fathers are to not repeat what they have learned. As a teacher, a parent, a neighbor, and now as a business owner, I've witnessed a wide spectrum of good and poor parenting, and have faced my own challenges in whether I've done the right thing as a parent.
It's been a real honor to witness the commitment and determination behind the work of the Paid Family and Medical Leave bill that is on its way to passage at our State Capitol after 6+ years. There has always been a layer of recognition of how this bill will support families. Yes, it's about workers and it's about supporting small businesses, but at its core is creating an infrastructure of care for families. When we support mothers as they complete their pregnancies, give birth, heal, and bond with their children we strengthen families. When we support fathers as they support the birth of the child and have time to bond we strengthen families. When we support those who will care for young infants during critical months of development, we strengthen families. And when we recognize all the ways trauma, hurt, illness, and negative experiences can impact a child's entry into the world, and offer support, we strengthen families of all kinds.
As the stories have unfolded about how this bill will bring new levels of support to parents, I had the privilege to listen to the story of one woman who is doing this work. I met Joy McAfee, who shared the kinds of support she brings to new mothers and fathers as a postpartum doula, her efforts to step for others, in the way I'd imagine what my own young mother may have needed, to teach, console, comfort, or just take on some simple tasks in order to give a tired parent some rest and time to sleep. The challenges of new motherhood are immense, so to have someone, like Joy McAfee at your side, is a blessing beyond measure.
You can support Joy's work at a special event being held May 20 in Edina - the Daisy Dash. You can learn more and connect with Joy @joythedoula - Joy the Village Postpartum Doula. You can also donate to the work of Pregnancy and Post-Partum Support Minnesota.
As Joy has been willing to open her heart and story to me, I hope you will find ways to be open to and support all new mothers! Not just this weekend, but every day, do offer gratitude and thanks to those who have been a part of nurturing you - mothers and all others walking alongside you on this journey we share.